Dear friends: welcome to the inaugural blog post! Very, very scared to put my real, actual words out into the internet, but vulnerability serves my art and I’ve challenged myself to connect with my community in new ways moving forward. Thanks for being here, and valuing my work! I appreciate you, and hope that this vignette from my past leaves you with a thing or two to think about.
Honesty hour: I struggle to feel positively about any kind of assessment or performance. Auditions, juries, chamber performances— I get really nervous! One of the biggest seasons of preparation I’ve experience was during my gap year, when I applied to 4 schools for transfer after completing two years at my old school. As I prepared for auditions at several music schools during January and February of 2018, I worked with a performance anxiety counselor. Our work, done over the phone, involved a process of building an understanding of my needs and desired outcome for the sessions so that she could assess what might help me achieve the results I wanted. These auditions would determine the course of my life for the next several years, and I took them very seriously.
Step one involved noticing how many negative things I told myself throughout the day. I was usually consumed by plans and hopes for the future, revolving around my ability to capture the attention of high-profile educators and employers with my music making. How would I achieve the goals I had set if there were people who had head starts on me? I knew I couldn’t keep up with people who had started playing younger than I, who had teachers from a young age, performed in youth orchestras… I could rack up lists of reasons why I WASN’T the candidate that would get the spot at the school, the job, whatever commodity we all compete for at any given point. I started writing these thoughts down, and the more I noticed, the less I found myself unconsciously thinking negative things. I still have some of the original sticky notes on which I wrote my pessimism. After this work had taken flight, it was time to incorporate intentional self-empowerment into the routine.
My counselor and I developed self-affirmations, which I repeated to myself throughout the day. Each morning, I woke up and reminded myself of the following:
“I wake up every morning grateful that I am a flutist with possibilities in front of me.”
Read that again. There is SO much in that little statement! First, an expression of consistent gratitude for the work I get to do. Second, a assertion of self: I AM a flutist. And then, the recognition of possible futures: I have possibilities in front of me. This is not an assumption of success, nor a box with which to limit my potential: rather, it’s an invitation to explore the many possibilities which could evolve out of my commitment to my musicianship.
The morning affirmation set a hopeful precedent for the day, allowing me to focus on what I could do in the present moment to become the musician I want to be. I could feel good about that progress and retire the idea of being able to “arrive” at a certain standard of excellence; I was putting my personal best into the art, and knew growth would continue to be the result of my diligence. Throughout the day, I utilized three affirmations to follow up with myself and remind myself of what I want to be true in any audition setting. Here is the one that for me, became most poignant:
“Every time I pick up my flute, I remember: this is what I am born to do, and I play only for my own joy and satisfaction, freeing myself from the need for approval from others.”
Today, I might revise this statement to read: “…and I play only to give glory to God, which is my joy and satisfaction…” My musicianship and faith are intertwined, and the past year since starting to use these affirmations has only confirmed that.
Gradually, I’m learning to trust myself as a musician. I’m learning to be vulnerable onstage, connecting with my collaborators and audience members alike. I’m learning not to apologize for still being “in the process” because I always will be, thank goodness— lifelong learning is the goal. Slowly, I’ve become acquainted with a new version of myself, who believes in her musicianship, character, and ambitions. Most importantly, my newfound comfortability in my chosen profession has enabled me to be more present in my communities. In turn, this blossoming network of professional and social contacts encourages me to continue the daily grind! When I remember seasons of preparation, I acknowledge the processes and people that supported me. Intentional self-reflection keeps me growth-oriented, especially when things don’t turn out how I hope!
What a privilege to have begun to see the fruits of my labor with self-affirmation. I continue to recognize negative self-talk in myself and others, naming it and letting it go to make room for upbuilding thought patterns. If you haven’t already tried this yourself, I recommend giving it a go, especially leading up to a big audition, interview, exam… anything stressful for which you want to be fully present! Write down all the negative things you think throughout the day, over the span of a few days. When you notice them, don’t dwell on them. By writing them down, let them go. This can really change habits; I’ve observed that increased awareness is one of the biggest guarantors of progress. When you know what your unconscious, automatic self-talk sounds like, you can decide to say different things to yourself, if you want to.
Again, this is long term work. The exercise above is just a small step, thought it can have major benefits. In reality, I’ve tackled performance anxiety (stemming from lack of belief in my own ability) with a multi-faceted approach. I use mindfulness, careful preparation, intentional practice, and other regular practices to prepare myself for any performance, and I’ve benefited from the help of both individual and group therapy. If you want to talk about performance anxiety with me, please reach out! It’s common, but not something that needs to hinder us. We can support each other in the quest to achieve our desired outcomes and hold one another accountable to positive self-talk. Let’s work together.
With nothing but love,
Ariel